It’s been a while, huh?

Sooo… I’ve forgotten how to write but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember how to type. I think I’m pretty good at typing but I’m not exactly sure the number of words per minute I can type. However low it is, I know without a doubt in my mind that what I have to say won’t spark a revolution, inspire millions and solve world hunger.

Maybe I should focus on inspiring my self. Laziness has claimed a hold over me for longer than it should have. I no longer deem it sensible to spend my time in bed and on the sofa unless of course I can find something useful to do while I’m at either of these spots. But what kind of useful action can we perform in bed? I’ll let you answer that question for yourselves. See what kind of things might pop in your head.

Do things actually pop in your head? I know there are chemical reactions in your head every second of a day but do any of them ever ‘pop’? I know my joints like to all click at their own accord but that’s irrelevant. I’ll tell you what else is irrelevant. It feels awesome to start a chant during a concert.

My break from this blog was originally meant to last until after my exams but in time I just ended up forgetting to log myself back in. I mean seriously, my last notification was posted “85 days ago” and I can’t even count that high without recreational drug use! Nothing illegal, mind you. Just smoking corn flakes.

It sucks that I’ve taken so long to get back to whatever it is this is called – I was going to say writing but I’d be flattering myself.

That’s all for now, I guess. Peace! (Okay, remind me to never say that again)

Shamdalf

The ode to the weird

A picture shared to me by my girlfriend – she’ll probably laugh if and when she sees this.

So as I sit on this bus (obeying my own set of guidelines which I have outlined in an earlier post) a child is smashing his juice carton against the window in a bid to gain the attention of the  driver of the adjacent van which is stuck in traffic with us. Are all kids attention craving?

I think I was a lot quieter when I was around other kids when I was younger, I didn’t really have anything to say to them so if there was someone who I disliked I chose not to waste my time making us both feel awkward and instead be friends with whoever was willing to be weird with me.

I think that’s how it’s always going to be with me – even in my adult life – I won’t go further than the point of being polite to people whose viewpoints have little value to me. It’s being with interesting and often quirky people who make social interactions so damn enjoyable.

Oops.. looks like I must have published everything that is above this statement. I blame the WordPress app on my phone for having a publish button that looks like the image of a floppy disk – it’s easy to mistake it for what should mean “save to drafts”. Sorry if you got any notifications or emails about the new post only to find I withdrew it so I could edit it and type the rest of it up on the computer! (I actually ran home so I could do just that) No matter, just imagine that didn’t happen!!

Back to the point in hand, I like weird. It’s better than being normal, being average, being nothing but another number… most likely the number ‘six’. No-one wants that to ever happen to them. I would hate to be easily pigeon-holed. I don’t take too nicely to being prejudged against which is quite ironic considering I’d have to be prejudiced in order to decide who fits into the label  being average.

I think that’s all I wanted to say for now, either that or I’ve just been hit by a massive wall of writer’s block. So big that it blocks out the sun and the tan which comes all too easily to me will be just another thing that won’t happen this summer. After which, I’ll celebrate since I hate when I tan – my usual yellow-ish complexion becomes replaced with a murky brown with a slight orange tint. Oh and I know this post is not actually an ode, I have no time to get all creative and write a poem of praise… sorry if I have caused you any offence and/or disappointment! Comments appreciated, as always!

Until next time,

Shamdalf

*CREEEEAAAAAKKKK*

Sorry guys, that was my hinges. I think I’m feeling a tad rusty. And who wouldn’t be when you’ve been away as long as I have? (starting a sentence with ‘And’? Yup, I’m just in poet mode you see) How long’s it been? It’s no longer March and a lot of things have tried to change in my life. It’s just a shame I’m an old dog and find it hard to learn new tricks.

Maybe I don’t know how to change, in fear that I might change myself. So what I think I’m going to do is take more showers, force myself to change my clothes and hopefully that’ll be good enough. If it isn’t then there’s always a muffin in the cupboard with my name all over it. In icing.

I kid, I couldn’t write anything with icing. To squeeze the end of the icing pen while trying to move it to spell out my name just involves too much cognitive function. I can’t multitask!! See, I say that and then I have to remind myself that I’m listening to some ‘KPOP’ while typing this up so maybe I’m better at it than I give myself credit for.

Before you say anything – No, I do not usually listen to ‘KPOP’, it’s not my choice of music. I’m just trying to understand why a new acquaintance of mine has such an obsession with this band. So far I think this band is pretty good but they’ve got nothing on any of the song’s you’ll see me post on here.

Speaking of which, here’s one I made earlier:

Now that we’ve got that piece of wondrous brilliance out of the way, I think it’s time for my new weekly feature of…. No, scratch that, I don’t have anything like that in store for you guys. Like I could ever do a weekly thing anyway,  no-one has that kind of determination and I don’t want to make any promises to you guys and look you all in the eye while you’re all frothing at the mouth for non-literal reasons. I’d blame disappointment, people froth at the mouth from that right?

Another unknown side-effect of catching rabies. Just like this one time when one of my eyebrows swelled to the size of a peanut when I sat too close to my mobile phone. There’s something you should know… That didn’t happen.

If there’s anything people who are close to me know to be true, half the things I say are of no value to anyone (ask them yourself, they’ll tell ya!). You all just have the pleasure of reading them and – when you’re done with that – wondering why you put yourself through it every time I put one of these posts up. You know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Except for the way that leads me back home. As long as that way is the scenic route and I pass a point where there’s some slush puppies. Was I meant to put a registered trademark symbol (one of these badboys: ®) next to that? Who knows!? Then again, who cares?

I for one definitely do. I’m a caring guy, even about little things. Things that don’t even care about themselves. Like falafel. I bet it doesn’t care enough about itself to have an opinion so it’s up to me to care for it. With my mouth.

That sounded dirtier than even I care to imagine. So please don’t try to imagine it. It’s not a pretty image. Trust me, I was there.

Shamdalf

My day

So today has been real interesting. Loads of networking and socialising with professionals and I have loved it all. It seems like building networks is somewhat lost on a lot of people – especially when you’re my age. The norm for young people hoping to get into anything even remotely related to finance is to apply to as many insight weeks as possible with no way of actually confirming that they have any interest in the field (I use the term ‘field” loosely here, it’s more of a great landscape kind of deal).

What I am getting at is that people do not see that there is no way to know enough about the dragon’s true strengths and weaknesses without actually speaking to someone who has been swallowed whole by it. Assuming this person is still alive and well within the dragon’s stomach, of course. (I’ve just been frantically searching for an illustration of some sort and, quite shockingly, THIS is the best I could find) This may have been a poor metaphor to use, now that I think about it. How would you talk to said person? I suppose some tin cans attached by string are in order.

Always wanted to try that. Maybe I’m just saying that because it would give me a reason to eat some beans. Not that I need a reason of course,  other than the fact that I had the need to feed. It’s not like I’m addicted or anything. After I work out (something I seldom do), I like to have a fry-up. That’s eggs, beans, toast and a bit of everything else I can find in the kitchen (so as to totally negate any positive effects from the workout). I’m just unorthodox in that way.
I box orthodox. That rhyme was actually unintended but factual, nonetheless. Too few people have hobbies that they can pursue in a way that excites and keeps them sane. That in itself is quite sad. I enjoy expeditions and any thing where I am expected to explore my surroundings in a way that does not make me look like a creep. I feel a deep sense of pity towards people who become totally obsessed with work until you can no longer tell where the person ends and where his work begins. Worse still if he hates his work but carries on begrudgingly up to the point where he begins to hate life.

Remind me to avoid that sort of life, just like I would Snake AIDS. I’m not even sure if that exists but if it did it would make the sufferers want to tear out their own armpits. So I will remain doing things I enjoy and in turn I will enjoy what I do. People need to find happiness in what they do because it is what gives their lives meaning. I don’t mean the  literal meaning of ‘life’ – I am aware that the dictionary you probably have in your possession contains the definition of the word.

Something else that happened today is I met Sir Ian McKellen. I would be lying if I said it was much of an encounter. He just happened to come into the cafe I was having coffee at with someone from a company which done a lot of work for Private Equity firms. After seeing no other place to sit, he came over to our table and asked another fellow if the chair he wanted was occupied.  Then he complained that said fellow had “his ear-plugs in” (by which I think he meant earphones) at which point I told him that no-one was sitting there and he was “probably fine”. I had trouble holding a straight face after all this. I tend to have that problem a lot. It’s not my fault. Life just seems amusing at nearly everywhere I turn. My favourite place to turn is inside a lift. This has nothing to do with the temporary privacy. I merely enjoy watching myself spin for no apparent reason.

There is no treason without reason. And no betrayal without something that sounds like ale. I bid you farewell. Good luck, Private.

Shamdalf (Today I met Gandalf).

Exorcising my muscles

Guys, my body is aching all over. Yeah, it turns out three hours of playing football (I mean that in the british-est sense) actually has severe physical repercussions. That may be because I like to play rough and so end up smashing into everything I set my eyes on – including the net. It took me a while to realise that me running into the opponent’s net did not help us to attain a goal. Not only was it counter-productive, I was also offside.I’m just pulling your pully-bits (£1 and a used tissue to whoever can tell me where I got that phrase from). I do actually know the rules of football.

I wish I could make my own game. Maybe it’s because I’m just power-hungry and want to be able to enforce my own rules and since I am quite a few stages away from unleashing my master plan to take over the world, I thought it best if I were to start small and make people behave how I wanted them to while they all fought fiercely over gaining the upper hand in an effort to win the objective in an event that did not matter.

Seriously though, my shoulder feels like it is somewhere it’s not supposed to be. By that I mean I am pretty sure it isn’t meant to be sticking out of my hip, but alas, that’s just the way the cookie has crumbled. Right off the side of my mouth. I like cookies, you see, but I have trouble eating like someone who would be deemed acceptable into society. Funnily enough, I would hate to be pigeon-holed into that category so maybe I just eat like a possessed badger purely for my own sake.

I may box orthodox but I would hate to be seen as that. So how about we give the world some kind of strange glasses that prevents them from seeing me like this? I’m actually beginning to imagine what that would look like. I guess it should have some sort of normality-perception filter attached to it with pointless silver dangly bits coming off the sides. There may have to be a lithium dispenser to go alongside it – not for people to ingest, merely so they can throw it in with some hydrochloric acid and watch the fizzing happen. Post your suggestions in the comment section below.

I’ve been looking at a load of shirts recently and here’s one of my favourites:

Let it be known from the off that I am a Doctor Who fan although that holds no bearing on anything.

So the big news this week has been something about smoke being spotted in the Vatican while a crowd amassed to cheer. I didn’t realise the world was so full of hate that people would cheer when in the knowledge that there was a fire taking place! Apparently that wasn’t what was actually taking place – a gaggle of Roman Catholics were just choosing their next dictator or whatever it is they are called. Below is a song to commemorate all the happenings. I love using that word, makes me feel so very hip. (Mmm… Pelvis… Pelvises? What’s the plural of pelvis? Pelvisi?) I’m not sure when anyone would stumble across a multitude of pelvises, maybe it’s that rarity which is to blame for the absence of the word from my vocabulary?

Now that we’ve all been given our recommended dose of vaccinations it is time for us to do something adventurous, safe in the knowledge that no harm can touch us. At least from a toothache. What it does not protect you guys from is me disappearing again. It’s not like I was lacking time or had been subject to the infamous “writer’s block”. Though it is something bloggers can easily become acquainted with. It’s just that Dead Space 3 has been brilliant fun to play since I bought it a month ago. Every time I do play it, I end up quitting the second I get killed by the satanic beasts from a place no person in their right minds should ever want to visit – Slough. That’s not the only reason for my lack of content but I am still sorry.

Please accept my apologies. While you’re at it, here’s a pencil you can keep too. It’s got graphite in it so if you were planning on stabbing me with it in an attempt to give me lead poisoning it seems I have foiled your plans. (Cue evil laugh as I walk off into the shadows)

That will be all for today.

Shamdalf

Vote me for evil dictator emperor

As I sit here savouring the last piece of cheesecake (for now) I long to take another break for writing and play some battlefield 3. That’s right, I got it working again! I must be some sort of wizard, either that or I must be ‘the chosen one’. Whichever is most modest (obviously ‘the chosen one’).

I have two mobile phones in my possession, neither of them smart. Come to think of it, one is actually a blackberry from the dark ages and just manages to qualify as ‘smart’ in a way not unlike the title of this blog. I was asked today by a friend how I am still making do without a trackpad. I told him it was because I was magic. Looks like I still cannot decide between the two self-proclaimed titles in the first paragraph.

I wish I had learned magic. The ability to play with people’s perceptions and confuse their silly little heads holds a great appeal to me. It is times like these where I wonder if I would be dedicated enough to learn any of these tricks. I have found that I am able to confuse people with little effort so maybe this fact would be enough to stop me. I should stick to what I know – and that’s talking about things that should never have been mentioned in any circumstance. Least of all in a setting where eleven guys wielding pitchforks are fighting over the prize of a single chicken kebab wrap at the low price of £1.

Of course, I’d be included in the scrap. I couldn’t pass the opportunity to get food for such a standard price. I choose to live my life with one rule of thumb. Avoid any form of thumb-maiming at any cost. You will never be able to give a ‘thumbs up’ ever again! Imagine that. It would be a travesty!

Hopefully y0u don’t become an emperor who engages in old roman customs involving gladiators who – following their victory – will await your signal to either finish or spare their adversaries. Let’s leave being an evil overlord emperor to me. There’s one bovine teat up for grabs for every individual who supports my campaign. Just remind me corrupt a few dairy farmers beforehand. Maybe I should perform a magic trick for them. Or would that just undermine my authority?

In my own world, the word ‘authority’ should describe one’s ability to be an author. There’s not many things I would change, but what I do know for sure is that pencil cases will have to be made of recycled car tyres. I believe that is already being done anyway. If it isn’t, I’m afraid to enquire as to what the pencil case on my desk is made out of. Pre-chewed dog food? Horsemeat?

I wonder if dog food producers have any connections with the horse-meat scandal that is being investigated here in the UK. I haven’t really been following that section of the news if I am totally honest with you (which I never am; that would have disastrous consequences). What interested me most from recent events is the meteor shower. It’s always great to be reminded that we on planet Earth are a part of a greater scheme of things.

I say scheme because all matter has its own gravitational force and so orbit. It can only be expected that some paths will have to cross and when they do we can be reminded all over again that beyond the sky, there is the rest of the universe to discover. We can use models to judge what will hit what and when. However, given my unpredictable nature, we cannot judge when I will hit a jukebox.

We do know one thing though regarding the situation. When I do hit it, the jukebox will not miraculously turn on. That is a job best left for one man. Carl Pilkington.

That’s all for now. Comments appreciated. See you the next time my guilt forces me to create another blog entry. See? Unpredictable.

Shamdalf

I’m not even sure where this is going

I love this song, purely for the fact it mentions the world losing control. Come to think of it, the lyrics are also pretty brilliant and the song makes me want to break out my air drums (which I am brilliant at by the way, ask my dentist). Take it away guys.

Just a thought

Spookily Beautiful

I’m working on my flow here. What does that actually entail for me? to be honest… no idea! I started the day in bed, which was surprising since I usually find my self in a tree somewhere in a distant land. The commute to uni has been hell.
The food down there is great this time of year. I wish I could start travelling the world already. Every moment away from the northern lights brings me closer to a time where I may not be able to see them. Maybe one day within our lifetime, the Earth’s magnetic field will no longer polarise the sun’s rays in such a way as to give us the freaky ass spectacle of a light-show. I wonder if the science back there is even correct. It’s been a while since I looked at anything science-y.That’s where Vsauce comes in! I recommend that you guys check out the Mind Blow series posted on their second channel. (Click Play below)

So my hunt for a job continues, one of my fake cousins (we all have one) suddenly had the idea of aiming to open a tutoring centre. I went along with her wishful thinking with my mum in the same room, hope she doesn’t think I meant it! If she does then I guess I’m going to have to use my special skill of appearing busy. I’m good at that. So good that I can convince my own mind that I am doing a lot to chase after my goals.

I miss playing football. Of course, I mean that in the most British-est sense possible. If anyone’s in the London area and wants to play football, let me know! So far I’ve only told one friend where to find my blog. Actually…she might be reading this. Scary thought, that. I’m considering deleting the last few sentences I’ve just wrote (including this one). I take my aim of not revealing too much about my life very seriously. I’m serious.

So serious, in fact, that I’ve even got my serious face on. (It looks something like this O.O) I know, right? Eyes so wide open at this time? How much caffeine has he been smoking? To which I reply, you shouldn’t be smoking caffeine but it seems like something I might want to try. While already high on carbon monoxide and sugar cane. While chewing on pre-chewed chewing gum. I nearly wrote ‘gun’ there. That was a close one! We could’ve got a mouthful of lead. Not that guns are actually made of lead. Lead is poisonous. Which would mean that if lead was necessary to produce guns and gun owners actually did chew on their weapons, the use of guns would lead to the eventual death of said user. Call it poetic.

Maybe we shouldn’t bother placing a ban on guns. Instead, follow these steps to whittle down the usage of them:

1. Destroy all guns currently in circulation;
2. Replace guns with newly made lead guns;
3. Issue a compulsory gun-chewage for all who continue to use them;
4. Live long in a world both peaceful and gun-free.

Of course, there may be a loss of life here but it’s all for the greater good! The movie ‘Hot Fuzz’ springs to mind. Brilliant movie, cannot wait to watch Pegg and Frost’s new movie. The title suggests the end of the world while the actual plot has nothing to do with that.

Sounds as contradictory as my thoughts.

Shamdalf

Shhh

As I type this, I am in the library. I’ve got half an hour before my lecture so That’s enough time to write some more randomness. So I missed breakfast today, something I have found myself doing a lot recently. Perhaps it’s time to invest in a better waking-up routine. Ideally, it will a single bone-shatteringly loud noise at irregular intervals.

Rules of the bus

Since I couldn’t find a picture to illustrate what I’ve covered below, here’s a song just to kick things off:

So lately I’ve been feeling really busy. But upon reflecting on what I’ve accomplished at the end of each day I find that recently my answer is “not much”. I don’t plan on blaming anyone but myself here but with the holiday season an old beast awoke within me. Sloth. He’s kind of slow and has the tendency of infecting people around me too. I wonder what would happen if I injected him with tranquilisers. Would he fall back into his slumber, or would his increased slowness drag me down with him? Who’s up for a little experiment?